I don't know...

Blah.

I just got insanely angry for no reason at all. Thank God no one's talking to me or they'd feel the brunt of it.

Ugh.

I want to be pretty. I want to look good. I want to be skinny. I want to be the girl that everyone looks and says "Oh my God... I wish I was you... what's your secret?". But no. Apparently I'm too much of a bitch for that. Thank you whoever was on that particular Facebook profile at that time. Thank you so much. You have no idea how awesome it was to hear that.

...seriously? Fuck you. I didn't do anything to you. And if I had, you should have been mature enough to call me out on it via message, not so everyone could gang up on me. But apparently getting everyone else to gang up on me is your way of "being mature" and apparently IS mature... when it's not me that's doing it. *rolls eyes*

I may have a second (third?) try with Michael coming up. I'm terrified. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, that it's his fear getting to him, but come on. What have I ever done to indicate that I would hurt him?! Fuck. Call me pathetic, but I just want to be held by someone who cares. I know he does. It's stupid, this niggling little doubt cloud, but it's who I am. I wish I could record the whole date so then I could show my ex / best friend that we really do connect, but some people just get scared and lash out because of that fear. I did and probably still will at some point. Hell, I had to lash out at him to get him to realize that I really am as scared as I say I am. Because apparently I come off as someone who's in total control, knows exactly what she wants and knows exactly how to get it. While that's GREAT and all (it means I'm a far better actress than I give myself credit for), I'm not nearly that brave or that in control. I just do a lot of stupid shit that could eventually get me killed or at least hurt. I mean, frig, who the hell stands up to a drunk guy waving a knife because you're sick of his shit (also, he was being obnoxiously loud)? I would. Except he wasn't waving a knife when I went to stand up to him. He got arrested later though, so it wasn't a total waste. Who stares down a very angry 15 year old with a ...I want to say shotgun, though I know jack about guns? Me. Why? Because I wasn't about to let him know how terrified I was at the possibility of him actually firing the damn thing. He certainly had it in him and he was definitely angry enough. I just stared him down though. But all that could have gone horribly wrong. I could have been shot. I could have been stabbed. I could have been held for ransom. But I wasn't. Why? I don't fucking know, but I do know that I'm not brave, in control or what have you. I'm just fucking stupid and I have this stupid sense of what's right and what's wrong and a stupid need to right what's wrong.

Oy. Now I probably sound like an arrogant prick, and that's not what I wanted to portray. Ah well. People will assume what they will. They always do.

And that's another thing! Why the hell do people get away with shit that I can't?! Example - one girl is hailed as a beauty queen and all the guys want to sleep with her and she can sleep with as many as she wants and she won't be considered a slut / whore (not seriously anyway), but when someone like me comes along, a virtual guy (I'm a horn-ball, I'll admit it), it's all of a sudden so wrong and so disgusting? Ugh. Stupid bloody people having different standards for everyone else. Another example - same girl, same reputation. How come guys talk shit about her, then as soon as she walks by, they're instantly drooling and willing to fight each other for a piece of her? So stupid!

Ugh, there is so much more I want to say... but I have to organize. :-/