HOKAY. Haven't touched this thing in nearly 3 months.
I dated someone for 5 weeks (February 13 - March 22th) and then got dumped because I was apparently a hassle, yet weed and video games aren't / weren't.
I'm seeing Michael again, but on a "friends with benefits with potential for a relationship" level. So far, we've come a long way from the last time we tried this. I like the progress we're making and I hope it continues / hope his parents don't find out. I hate sneaking around, but what can you do with parents like that? Hopefully if they do find out, he stands up to them.
I'm going over to his place to spend the night on Saturday while his parents are on vacation.
I'm still trying to move out and was getting REALLY discouraged, but then had someone tell me that they're interested in one of the places I am (I was looking for a roommate, so it's not like I was there first or whatever). Hopefully when she and I meet, we connect as well as we did over Facebook. If not, well, there are two other potentials that I need to get back to at some point.
End update.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Rant-y type thing?
Okay. I'm fucking sick of the two dating websites I'm on. Or maybe it's me that I'm sick of? I don't fucking know. I just know that it's obnoxious to get on day after day and find out that yet another someone has "viewed me", but declined to message me. Am I that repulsive?! Am I that unappealing?! Look, I know I'm no supermodel and that I'm not a size 0 - 8, but good God! I'm sorry that puberty decided to slap me with this stupid extra weight that I can NOT get rid of no matter how hard I try! Ugh. And if I seem boring, it's because I don't know how to freaking sell myself! I'm fascinating, really, truly I am! I just... have to meet you and open up to you. And what's wrong with being a bit shy?! You aren't exactly George Clooney or Johnny Depp yourself, so why act like it's SOOOO fucking hard to get to know me?! Maybe it's because I'm not just another pair of legs to spread when you want to and to abandon when you don't want to and I know it. Am I intimidating because I don't want to be just that to you? Am I intimidating to you because I actually have the balls to message you first, even though "9 times out of 10, the guy prefers to have the girl make the first move"?! Puh-lease! Drop your fucking balls already and just message me! I was obviously interesting enough to get you to look at my profile (even if it was just for my pictures), so who's to say I'm not interesting enough to message and then get to know? Oy.
Things with Michael are... eh. His parents found out about me and flipped some pretty serious shit, which is pretty fucking hilarious considering they went in HIS room and took HIS laptop to use without telling him while he was in the shower (I got the story straight from him the day afterward). It's like, "Are you fucking kidding me?! Why the hell would you DELIBERATELY go through your son's Facebook and try to see who he's talking to, then go through his inbox and then act like you have every right to freak out when my ex ( / best friend) messaged your son and said "If you hurt her, I'll hurt you." when, hello!, he's my fucking best friend! Of course he's going to be protective of me!" It's just... wow. And now, as much as I want to move on, I'm also really tempted to message his parents and say (respectfully, quietly, demurely, etc) that what they saw on the IM was just a joke; that I am not a crazy psycho bitch who found him randomly on Facebook and started hitting on him; that I am willing to meet them for coffee (or drink of their choice) and answer any questions they may have; that I am a fairly normal girl who just happens to have a crush on their precious little son... who is 20 and shouldn't be threatened with being kicked out if he chooses a girl that they don't approve of. Oy. I can relate on so many levels with this kid, it's crazy... and I can totally see my father pulling a stunt like that had I not gotten kicked out at 18 and a half for not being like him (those weren't his exact words, but they may as well have been).
On the plus side, I think my headache is gone. *shakes head* Score. Too bad it's been (hopefully temporarily) replaced with "I-Don't-Wear-Glasses-Or-Contacts-But-Sometimes-I-Wake-Up-And-It's-Like-I-Fell-Asleep-With-Them-On". *sigh*
On a random and ending note, if more rap sounded like Smash Mouth's "All Star", I would so totally listen to it.
Things with Michael are... eh. His parents found out about me and flipped some pretty serious shit, which is pretty fucking hilarious considering they went in HIS room and took HIS laptop to use without telling him while he was in the shower (I got the story straight from him the day afterward). It's like, "Are you fucking kidding me?! Why the hell would you DELIBERATELY go through your son's Facebook and try to see who he's talking to, then go through his inbox and then act like you have every right to freak out when my ex ( / best friend) messaged your son and said "If you hurt her, I'll hurt you." when, hello!, he's my fucking best friend! Of course he's going to be protective of me!" It's just... wow. And now, as much as I want to move on, I'm also really tempted to message his parents and say (respectfully, quietly, demurely, etc) that what they saw on the IM was just a joke; that I am not a crazy psycho bitch who found him randomly on Facebook and started hitting on him; that I am willing to meet them for coffee (or drink of their choice) and answer any questions they may have; that I am a fairly normal girl who just happens to have a crush on their precious little son... who is 20 and shouldn't be threatened with being kicked out if he chooses a girl that they don't approve of. Oy. I can relate on so many levels with this kid, it's crazy... and I can totally see my father pulling a stunt like that had I not gotten kicked out at 18 and a half for not being like him (those weren't his exact words, but they may as well have been).
On the plus side, I think my headache is gone. *shakes head* Score. Too bad it's been (hopefully temporarily) replaced with "I-Don't-Wear-Glasses-Or-Contacts-But-Sometimes-I-Wake-Up-And-It's-Like-I-Fell-Asleep-With-Them-On". *sigh*
On a random and ending note, if more rap sounded like Smash Mouth's "All Star", I would so totally listen to it.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Oy.
Looking at the photos tagged of you pretty much confirmed what I already knew to be true. Y'know, the whole "final nail in the coffin" thing.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter if you sleep around or not, as long as you're a size fucking 5 and below (or at least look like it), you're going to get invited to parties and you're going to look stunning and you're going to have the camera follow you around all night because you're so fucking pretty and no one can keep their eyes off you.
Ugh. So fucking frustrating. I know you have the motivation for it, but you also have a mother who's in excellent shape for her age, therefore you have great genes and so on and so forth. I know I could probably look like that if I went to the gym as often as you did. But I have no motivation because I have no cash. And even if I did have cash, I'd be too self conscious. Blah. Stupid vicious cycle.
I just want to get out of here. Start over. Be a "normal" person. Have shit paid for me so I can just relax. Meh. Like that'll ever happen. I'm 22, edging on 23. No way in hell is anyone going to start paying for my stuff now unless I go to a sugar daddy... and while the idea strikes my fancy, it also strikes a bigger "nuh uh. never in a million years" nerve.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter if you sleep around or not, as long as you're a size fucking 5 and below (or at least look like it), you're going to get invited to parties and you're going to look stunning and you're going to have the camera follow you around all night because you're so fucking pretty and no one can keep their eyes off you.
Ugh. So fucking frustrating. I know you have the motivation for it, but you also have a mother who's in excellent shape for her age, therefore you have great genes and so on and so forth. I know I could probably look like that if I went to the gym as often as you did. But I have no motivation because I have no cash. And even if I did have cash, I'd be too self conscious. Blah. Stupid vicious cycle.
I just want to get out of here. Start over. Be a "normal" person. Have shit paid for me so I can just relax. Meh. Like that'll ever happen. I'm 22, edging on 23. No way in hell is anyone going to start paying for my stuff now unless I go to a sugar daddy... and while the idea strikes my fancy, it also strikes a bigger "nuh uh. never in a million years" nerve.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
GodDAMN.
...and I thought MY father was bad. Holy... just what the hell?! Who "threatens to kick [their kid] out for having a relationship that they don't approve of"?!
...I guess it really does happen. But oy. Why would you deliberately go through your kids' Facebook page?! That's just... creepy. and invasive. as well as some other stuff.
...I guess it really does happen. But oy. Why would you deliberately go through your kids' Facebook page?! That's just... creepy. and invasive. as well as some other stuff.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I don't know...
Blah.
I just got insanely angry for no reason at all. Thank God no one's talking to me or they'd feel the brunt of it.
Ugh.
I want to be pretty. I want to look good. I want to be skinny. I want to be the girl that everyone looks and says "Oh my God... I wish I was you... what's your secret?". But no. Apparently I'm too much of a bitch for that. Thank you whoever was on that particular Facebook profile at that time. Thank you so much. You have no idea how awesome it was to hear that.
...seriously? Fuck you. I didn't do anything to you. And if I had, you should have been mature enough to call me out on it via message, not so everyone could gang up on me. But apparently getting everyone else to gang up on me is your way of "being mature" and apparently IS mature... when it's not me that's doing it. *rolls eyes*
I may have a second (third?) try with Michael coming up. I'm terrified. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, that it's his fear getting to him, but come on. What have I ever done to indicate that I would hurt him?! Fuck. Call me pathetic, but I just want to be held by someone who cares. I know he does. It's stupid, this niggling little doubt cloud, but it's who I am. I wish I could record the whole date so then I could show my ex / best friend that we really do connect, but some people just get scared and lash out because of that fear. I did and probably still will at some point. Hell, I had to lash out at him to get him to realize that I really am as scared as I say I am. Because apparently I come off as someone who's in total control, knows exactly what she wants and knows exactly how to get it. While that's GREAT and all (it means I'm a far better actress than I give myself credit for), I'm not nearly that brave or that in control. I just do a lot of stupid shit that could eventually get me killed or at least hurt. I mean, frig, who the hell stands up to a drunk guy waving a knife because you're sick of his shit (also, he was being obnoxiously loud)? I would. Except he wasn't waving a knife when I went to stand up to him. He got arrested later though, so it wasn't a total waste. Who stares down a very angry 15 year old with a ...I want to say shotgun, though I know jack about guns? Me. Why? Because I wasn't about to let him know how terrified I was at the possibility of him actually firing the damn thing. He certainly had it in him and he was definitely angry enough. I just stared him down though. But all that could have gone horribly wrong. I could have been shot. I could have been stabbed. I could have been held for ransom. But I wasn't. Why? I don't fucking know, but I do know that I'm not brave, in control or what have you. I'm just fucking stupid and I have this stupid sense of what's right and what's wrong and a stupid need to right what's wrong.
Oy. Now I probably sound like an arrogant prick, and that's not what I wanted to portray. Ah well. People will assume what they will. They always do.
And that's another thing! Why the hell do people get away with shit that I can't?! Example - one girl is hailed as a beauty queen and all the guys want to sleep with her and she can sleep with as many as she wants and she won't be considered a slut / whore (not seriously anyway), but when someone like me comes along, a virtual guy (I'm a horn-ball, I'll admit it), it's all of a sudden so wrong and so disgusting? Ugh. Stupid bloody people having different standards for everyone else. Another example - same girl, same reputation. How come guys talk shit about her, then as soon as she walks by, they're instantly drooling and willing to fight each other for a piece of her? So stupid!
Ugh, there is so much more I want to say... but I have to organize. :-/
I just got insanely angry for no reason at all. Thank God no one's talking to me or they'd feel the brunt of it.
Ugh.
I want to be pretty. I want to look good. I want to be skinny. I want to be the girl that everyone looks and says "Oh my God... I wish I was you... what's your secret?". But no. Apparently I'm too much of a bitch for that. Thank you whoever was on that particular Facebook profile at that time. Thank you so much. You have no idea how awesome it was to hear that.
...seriously? Fuck you. I didn't do anything to you. And if I had, you should have been mature enough to call me out on it via message, not so everyone could gang up on me. But apparently getting everyone else to gang up on me is your way of "being mature" and apparently IS mature... when it's not me that's doing it. *rolls eyes*
I may have a second (third?) try with Michael coming up. I'm terrified. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, that it's his fear getting to him, but come on. What have I ever done to indicate that I would hurt him?! Fuck. Call me pathetic, but I just want to be held by someone who cares. I know he does. It's stupid, this niggling little doubt cloud, but it's who I am. I wish I could record the whole date so then I could show my ex / best friend that we really do connect, but some people just get scared and lash out because of that fear. I did and probably still will at some point. Hell, I had to lash out at him to get him to realize that I really am as scared as I say I am. Because apparently I come off as someone who's in total control, knows exactly what she wants and knows exactly how to get it. While that's GREAT and all (it means I'm a far better actress than I give myself credit for), I'm not nearly that brave or that in control. I just do a lot of stupid shit that could eventually get me killed or at least hurt. I mean, frig, who the hell stands up to a drunk guy waving a knife because you're sick of his shit (also, he was being obnoxiously loud)? I would. Except he wasn't waving a knife when I went to stand up to him. He got arrested later though, so it wasn't a total waste. Who stares down a very angry 15 year old with a ...I want to say shotgun, though I know jack about guns? Me. Why? Because I wasn't about to let him know how terrified I was at the possibility of him actually firing the damn thing. He certainly had it in him and he was definitely angry enough. I just stared him down though. But all that could have gone horribly wrong. I could have been shot. I could have been stabbed. I could have been held for ransom. But I wasn't. Why? I don't fucking know, but I do know that I'm not brave, in control or what have you. I'm just fucking stupid and I have this stupid sense of what's right and what's wrong and a stupid need to right what's wrong.
Oy. Now I probably sound like an arrogant prick, and that's not what I wanted to portray. Ah well. People will assume what they will. They always do.
And that's another thing! Why the hell do people get away with shit that I can't?! Example - one girl is hailed as a beauty queen and all the guys want to sleep with her and she can sleep with as many as she wants and she won't be considered a slut / whore (not seriously anyway), but when someone like me comes along, a virtual guy (I'm a horn-ball, I'll admit it), it's all of a sudden so wrong and so disgusting? Ugh. Stupid bloody people having different standards for everyone else. Another example - same girl, same reputation. How come guys talk shit about her, then as soon as she walks by, they're instantly drooling and willing to fight each other for a piece of her? So stupid!
Ugh, there is so much more I want to say... but I have to organize. :-/
Thursday, January 14, 2010
For myself...
I feel sexy tonight. My hair's up in a half (smooth) ponytail, I'm wearing an ex's shirt and my shorts with a sports bra. I'm drinking milk out of the half gallon and eating a sleeve of salted crackers. For whatever reason, I feel sexy tonight. And I want to record it before I lose it.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Shit... 2.0
Please please please please don't let religion ruin this. I'm already scared enough. I don't need this to come between us.
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